Written by: Kim Ballantine
Article source: JOY! Magazine
On my 40th birthday, my husband brought me breakfast in bed, wearing nothing but an apron. He left me speechless – quite literally – for years…
Within days I was reduced to making strange, animalistic noises, endured uncontrollable laryngeal spasms that left me unable to breathe at times, and had to communicate with my family in rudimentary sign language. Bewildered and afraid, I consulted an ear, nose, and throat specialist. The diagnosis was spasmodic dysphonia, a rare condition in which, essentially, the body’s vocal cords do not respond to messages from the brain in a normal manner. There was no known cure. The coldly clinical prediction was that I would never speak again.
Facing the loss of my voice
I found myself reeling and afraid. The personal loss was profound – from health and voice to friends and the closure of my consulting business. My specialist physician husband, Rob, was beginning to build his own practice and worked long hours. Our three children were still in primary school. How could I be both wife and mother with no voice and severely compromised health? How would I raise my children speechless or help them process their own loss and fear? And where was God in it all?
Choosing faith over finality
When I got back from the initial hospitalisation, flowers from companies I had consulted for, filled my home, reminiscent of a funeral. I wrote on paper, “Who has died?” My husband took my hand and looked into my eyes, and said, “Someone has died. Kim, a part of you is gone. Dead. This part of your life is over. You’ll never be able to speak or consult again. This is chronic.” I wrote on a piece of paper, “I will speak again. You don’t know how big my God is, how determined I am, and one day I will have a testimony to share.”
Learning to live in the waiting
Little did I know then how long the journey would be, and no one could have prepared me for the loss and grief in the non-breakthrough space. However, I am so grateful that even in the face of a severe and chronic diagnosis, the ultimate prognosis lies with Jesus.
Strengthening our marriage and family
Two years into our journey, our relationship was under immense strain. I was no longer the woman Rob had married, and medicine, unable to cure me, had let him down. We could have walked away from our relationship, but we made some critical decisions:
- We did not know the why, but we knew Who the author and finisher of our faith was, and we would trust Him. We would never lose our faith in Christ.
- We would honour our marriage covenant and trust Him to bring full restoration.
- We would work on deep connection with each other and as a family.
- We would be open with the children, communicating effectively at their level because, as my daughter Natalie had said, “no information could be worse than our imaginations”.
- We would work as a team, fighting the disease and not one another, and remain integrated in community.
Finding stability in a new normal
The decisions were simple, but profound, and brought about a shift in our family dynamics. Five years from the initial diagnosis, we were sign language fluent, my health was stable with a tracheostomy, effectively bypassing my vocal cords and giving me a predictable airway. The relief was immense, and we were functioning well as a family with incredible support. I had learnt a measure of contentment in all things and yet found myself contending for more – content yet contending. I still could not speak.
Loving the Healer more than the healing
One morning, sitting in the sun, worshipping in sign, I felt the Lord saying, “Can you let your healing go? Can you love the Healer more than the healing? Can you trust Me?” I was stunned, not only by the challenge but by the realisation of how transactional my faith had become. It took weeks before I could come before Him again, repent fully, and let go. Regardless of outcome, whether I ever spoke again or not, whether I saw the breakthrough or not, I chose to trust Him. I would love Him above all.
Another storm: cancer
Three weeks later, while in the shower, I found a lump and was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was shattered. What transpired over the following months was incredibly difficult. We made all the right decisions for the wrong reasons and saw Jesus bring the most unexpected breakthroughs, most of which are captured in our book, Hot Tea and Apricots: A Memoir of Loss and Hope.
A whisper of breakthrough
It was years before we saw the breakthrough, but what incredible joy that morning, driving back from oncology when a faint whisper began to return. Today, my tracheostomy is closed, I use words, not sign language, to communicate. I am a grandmother, and I have truly experienced God’s undeserved and incredible grace in the land of the living.
Encouragement for others in the waiting
When you are sitting in the non-breakthrough space, it is so easy to quit and give up. I encourage you not to. God’s ways are higher than our ways, and His timing may be different, but it is always perfect (Isa 55:8-9). Though we may not understand the delay, we can trust in God’s sovereignty and goodness, knowing that He works all things together for our good.
How to STAND
Lessons learnt in the non-breakthrough space
S – Sit in His presence and stand on the Word
Don’t withdraw from Christ. Sit with your questions, your hurt, your struggle, and be honest like David was. Allow the Holy Spirit to minister to the deepest parts of your being. In His presence is fullness of joy regardless of circumstance. Stand on the Word of God; it is medicine to our body and life-giving to your soul (Prov 4:20-22), guides you in those dark places (Psa 119:105), teaches, encourages, and provides you with hope (Rom 15:4).
T – Take control of your thoughts
It is easy to panic and worry and allow negative thinking to take hold when we don’t see the breakthrough. Rather, be good gatekeepers of your thoughts. Take your thoughts captive to Christ (2 Cor 10:5), redirect them to the Word, and be transformed by renewing your mind to the truth of His Word (Rom 12:2).
A – Attitude of gratitude
Philippians 4:8 commands us to think on whatever is true, honourable, right, pure, lovely, of good report. It is a choice we need to exercise. Gratitude and worship shift our attitudes. They don’t change what we see, but how we see things. Put yourself on Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts journey: find 1000 things you are grateful for and see how your attitude shifts. I have done this three times and the impact on my life has been tangible. A sacrifice of praise and worship amid the hard is the one offering we can give Christ that we never get to give in eternity.
N – Never give up hope
I remember being at a particularly low point. I met with someone I had worked with and asked him why he continued to meet with me. He showed me a picture of Mount Elbrus, one of the seven highest summits that he had recently climbed.
“At this point I knew I was not going to summit, but my sherpa stopped and gave me hot tea and dried apricots, and because of that I summited. Maybe all I’m doing is giving you hot tea and apricots. One day you will summit, don’t give up hope.”
We need to surround ourselves with those that can continue to hope for us when we are struggling, who can remind us that we can endure and stand because we have hope in Christ our Lord and Saviour (1 Thes 1:3). So, hold unswervingly to the hope you profess, for He who has promised is faithful (Heb 10:23). The hard journeys are where we grow in faith, dig deep, and discover Jesus in a way we never would have otherwise.
D – Dare to dream
People without vision perish (Prov 29:18). I have certainly seen the power of envisioning a future beyond the now, of asking God to revitalise vision, trusting Him to give me a future and a hope (Jer 29:11).
For your part, having done all else, remember to STAND.
Hot Tea and Apricots: A Memoir of Loss and Hope by Kim Ballantine. Available on Amazon and Takealot, as well as at Scripture Union, Exclusive Books, and all good bookstores. Makes a wonderful Christmas gift. Email kim@ballantineinc.co.za.
This article is featured in the November issue of JOY! Magazine. Read a digital version of this magazine here: joygifts.co.za
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Date published: 10/11/2025
Feature image: Kim Ballantine
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