Written by Dr. Michael Janse van Rensburg
Article originally featured in the September issue of JOY! Magazine
When faith learns to lament
There are some questions you never expect to ask. As Christians, we sing about God’s goodness, seek to pray with confidence, and believe He is always with us. Yet there are moments when life becomes so painful that we cannot help but ask, “Where are You, God?”
That became my question when my wife, Lynn, was diagnosed with stage-four metastatic cancer after 16 years of believing that chapter of our lives had closed forever. The painful irony was not lost on me. Just about a year before Lynn’s diagnosis, I completed a doctorate in theology exploring one of Christianity’s oldest questions: how a loving and all-powerful God can coexist with suffering. Somewhere in that thesis I even referred to cancer as an example of natural suffering. I had no idea I was writing about our future.
When cancer returned
Lynn was first diagnosed with a rare leiomyosarcoma in 2009. After surgery, her scans remained clear year after year. We raised two wonderful boys, built careers, and I gradually stopped worrying about it. Those 16 ordinary years became one of God’s greatest gifts to us.
Then, in October 2025, an ordinary cough changed everything. A CT scan revealed tumours in Lynn’s left lung. The cancer had returned. A couple of months later, after treatment failed, our oncologist gently told us she likely had only weeks to live. That conversation took place several months ago. Today Lynn is still here. She lives with advanced cancer, depends on oxygen every day, and continues treatment while we walk with God into an uncertain future.
Telling our sons
One of the hardest moments was telling our children. TJ was twelve. Daniel was nine. We chose honesty, believing that difficult truth spoken in love was kinder than fearful silence or false reassurance. I will never forget TJ climbing onto his mother’s hospital bed to hold her, or Daniel quietly teaching himself to crochet in the waiting rooms. Our boys have taught me that courage often looks much quieter than we imagine.
Discovering the gift of lament
As the months unfolded, I realised there is a world of difference between studying suffering and living through it. Many of the Bible verses I had once quoted so confidently suddenly felt out of place beside an ICU bed. I wasn’t losing my faith, but I was discovering a faith that was far more honest.
When faith hurts
I found Psalm 88. Until then, I had never realised that God Himself had given His people words for the days when faith hurts. Unlike almost every other psalm, it never reaches a triumphant ending. Instead, it closes with the words: “Darkness is my closest friend.”
At first, I found that unsettling. Then I found it deeply comforting. Why would God preserve a prayer that ends without resolution? Because He knew His children would sometimes pray exactly like that. Psalm 88 taught me something I had somehow missed despite years of studying theology. Lament has a rightful place in the Christian life.
Changing the way I prayed
Honest questions are not signs of weak faith. They are often expressions of deep faith. The psalmist never stops praying. He directs every painful question towards God. His questions are not evidence that he has abandoned God; they are evidence that he still believes God is there to hear them. That changed the way I prayed. I stopped trying to sound brave. I stopped feeling guilty for asking, “Why?” I discovered that God is not threatened by my questions. He would rather receive my honest heart than carefully chosen words.
Jesus wept and Holy Saturday
Another passage became precious to me, “Jesus wept.” Jesus knew resurrection was coming, yet He still entered fully into the grief of those He loved. He didn’t rush to explanations. He simply wept. That gave me permission to do the same.
I also found comfort in Holy Saturday, the day between Good Friday and Easter Sunday. It is the day of waiting, when God’s people had witnessed unimaginable suffering but had not yet seen resurrection. That is where our family has lived. We still believe that God is faithful to His promises. We still pray for healing. But we also live with unanswered questions. Holy Saturday reminds me that waiting is not the absence of faith. Sometimes waiting is faith.
A faith both wounded and deepened
People sometimes ask whether this journey has weakened my faith. I don’t know that I can answer with a simple yes or no. In some ways, my faith has been wounded.
I so desperately want God to heal my wife. I have pleaded with Him, argued with Him, and wept before Him. I cannot explain why He has allowed Lynn to suffer as she has. Those questions have not disappeared.
Yet, in other ways, my faith has grown deeper. I still wrestle with questions that have no easy answers, but I also believe those questions do not place me outside of God’s love. I have learnt that He is big enough for my doubts, patient enough for my frustration, and gentle enough to hold me through my pain and grief.
Our testimony
God has not yet answered the prayer I pray every single day, that He would heal Lynn. And He knows exactly how I feel about that. Yet, I have seen God in compassionate doctors and nurses, in friends who quietly brought meals, in family members who prayed when we had no words left, and in my young boys, whose courage has humbled me. I have longed to see God in miraculous intervention. Yet, while I continue to pray for healing, I have also found Him in ordinary people who quietly carried pieces of our burden.
Recognising God’s presence
I have slowly learnt to recognise God’s presence even within our suffering. I have learnt that faith is not certainty. Faith is relationship. Relationships include tears, questions, silence, wrestling, and waiting. They can even include anger. I’ve learnt that all of these can exist within genuine faith at the same time.
Honesty over perfection
The Psalms taught me that God would rather have my honest heart than my silence or my polished prayers. I no longer see lament as the opposite of worship. Sometimes lament is worship, because even in my pain, frustration, and anger, I am still turning towards the God I trust enough to speak to. Looking back, I realise that every “Why?” I asked God was also an act of faith, because I was still bringing my questions to Him instead of walking away from Him.
God’s grace sustains
The questions I once explored academically have become deeply personal. I still don’t have all the answers. But I have come to know the God who is willing to sit with me in the questions. Our testimony is not that cancer disappeared. Our testimony is not that every prayer was answered as we hoped. Our testimony is that God’s grace has sustained us every single day, even while we are afraid, angry, and questioning.
Still being written
Ours is not a testimony with a neat ending. It is a testimony that is still being written. Lynn is still living with advanced cancer. I still pray every day that God will heal her, and I still don’t understand why He hasn’t. Perhaps one day I will. Perhaps I never will this side of eternity. But I know this. I may not always see Him. I may not always hear Him. I may not always feel Him. But I know He has never stopped being there. He has never stopped loving us. He has never stopped holding us. And He has never stopped walking beside us.
Making sense of the journey
During this journey I began writing late at night as a way of making sense of what our family was living through. Those writings eventually became Where Are You, God? My Wife Has Cancer. Readers who would like to learn more or follow our ongoing journey can visit writtenforlynn.com
This article appears in the September 2026 issue of JOY! Magazine. Read the digital version of this magazine here: joygifts.co.za
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Date published: 21/08/2026
Feature image: Sourced from original article published in JOY! Magazine September 2026
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