Written by: Sophia Roman
Article source: JOY! Magazine
Robert Charnley shares a deeply personal story of healing and forgiveness. He is married to Janice, and they have two sons, Caleb and Gabriel. As South Africans, they now live in Abu Dhabi working in education. Robert was born in Johannesburg to a single mother. Some of his early years were spent on a farm in Hammanskraal with his grandmother, as his mother could not support the family alone. When he was ready for school, Robert went to live with his mom, stepfather, and older brother in Johannesburg. His stepdad was a pastor at a local church. The abuse began almost immediately after Robert joined the household.
The garden of horror
He often tried to run, but his stepdad would catch him in the garden, where the beatings were severe and there was nowhere to hide. He was slapped in the face within split seconds for wetting the bed as a boy – a trauma response. The fear and hurt stood in stark contrast to the love in ouma’s house – the difference was extreme. He had never felt such fear, anxiety, and trauma. He had been protected before, and now he could not even find words for what he was experiencing.
Years of relentless beatings
Robert remembers being beaten almost daily for years. Different instruments were used to beat him into a pulp. He was punched, kicked, and pelted with objects; belts and sticks slashed his young body. He did not flee permanently – he endured the abuse for the sake of staying with his mom.
Hiding under the bed
Robert recalls: “One day I held up my hands when his fists came. I tried to run down the road, screaming and asking the neighbours for help. I ended up under the bed at my aunt’s house, not far from home. Lying there, I asked, ‘Where do I belong? Who are we? Who am I?’ As humans we want to belong somewhere. The question rang in my ears – ‘Nowhere. I belong nowhere. I have nowhere to go, and I don’t belong anywhere.’ Yet I could see that, somewhere in my future, I would belong to someone and have a family of my own.”
A way of escape
One day, while his stepdad was hitting him, he managed to escape. As he ran down the street, people were unfazed. In that community, no one intervened – they would say of his stepdad, “He’s just like that.” It was not a case of “it takes a village to raise a child”; abuse thrived in silence.
Identity and a vow
“What is my identity? What is a real family?” He had an epiphany. Looking back, he believes it was Christ, in the heat of the storm, who was guiding him. With warm tears on his face, he thought about God and the love Christ offers. He also thought about his future family and vowed never to let his children grow up in an abusive home. He promised they would never feel unwanted, rejected, helpless, or isolated. Under that bed, he pledged to give his children a loving home and a loving father, and to be an example of how a dad should love his wife. It was as if God was right there with him under the bed.
The journey of forgiveness
After the birth of their firstborn, Caleb, in 2007, Robert – after years of suppressing hatred and anger over the extreme abuse – decided to act. His biggest fear was that he might continue the cycle he had endured as a child. The thought gave him sleepless nights as they awaited their first child. Would his children face the same abuse?
Facing the past
At the time, his mom, stepfather, and older brother came to visit. Robert decided he was ready to confront his stepdad. He recalls: “It was me forgiving him, not expecting anything in return. Reciprocation wasn’t important – I needed closure.” In the weeks before their visit he experienced nightly flashbacks of the abuse, and between 00:00 and 03:00 he would lie awake crying. Janice encouraged him to journal these memories. He remains grateful to her for walking with him through this painful season…
Choosing to forgive
Then one day, he began speaking to his stepdad – no script, no agenda. In hindsight, he can see how God was with him. He told his stepdad that he forgave him for all he had done. Forgiveness wiped the slate clean – no anger, no hate, a new man. He also brought his pain to the Lord: forgiving his father and bringing his questions to God. His relationship with God deepened from that point.
Seeing the bigger picture
Robert came to realise that his stepfather had also been abused and carried that pain into his own family, likely not knowing what to do with his emotions. He acknowledges that his mom was also a victim. She chose to be as joyful as she could in the midst of it. They were married for over 40 years. His mom was a Christlike believer.
Freedom and a new legacy
It took nearly 30 years for Robert to face the abuse. Forgiveness is not forgetting – it is choosing to heal. It is healing for oneself, breaking the cycle of pain, and rewriting the narrative to create a legacy of wholeness. Robert believes strongly that forgiveness is a choice and a doorway to freedom. The pain will not end unless one takes the step to let it go.
A redeemed life
Today, Robert is a free and whole father, husband, and change agent in leadership. He and Janice lead a couples’ ministry in their local church. “I knew someday it would end. Everything negative, by the help of God, I turned into a positive because I chose to forgive. Today I am a better father and husband.” He serves on his church leadership team, and both he and Janice are actively involved in their church’s marriage ministry. Robert has recently published his story in a book, He is Just Like That. Purchase your copy from robertcharnley.co.za.
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Date published: 09/12/2025
SOPHIA ROMAN – pioneer, visionary, and life transformation coach. Sophia and her husband, Theo, pastor the West Reach AOG Church in Mitchells Plain.
Feature image: Image for illustrative purposes only. Artwork adapted from www.freepik.com
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